


Maps

by skywalkerlesbian



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Oral Sex, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-07-20 14:07:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skywalkerlesbian/pseuds/skywalkerlesbian
Summary: Bored of random Grindr hookups, Ben is out on the pull at the Prince Albert. Intrigued by the tall, dark-haired nervous wreck that is sitting in the same stool he remembers seeing him in the last time he was at the gay bar, he decides to talk to him. Loosely inspired by the plot of Weekend (2011), but you don't have to watch it before reading.





	1. Chapter 1

Ben's eyes scanned the bar as he entered. Jay was surprised to hear he was actually going to a gay bar tonight looking to pull instead of just shagging some headless bloke from Grindr he would never see again. Sometimes he got bored of the Grindr routine, and at least at the bar no one could hide their face. He went to this particular bar once in a while since it had opened months ago. The bar was called The Prince Albert, and it was the name that made Ben chuckle and decide to enter the first time. 

He hadn't been to the Albert for two weeks now, and that's why it surprised him to recognize a face he should probably have forgotten by now. A tall, dark-haired young man was sitting in the same stool he had seen him in the last time he was here, looking as uncomfortable as he had looked back then. Ben tilted his head while staring from a distance, curious. The man's demeanor seemed familiar the first time he saw him, but he couldn't pinpoint why and didn't really care enough to investigate. Now that he saw him again, he was intrigued—and he wasn't gonna miss the opportunity to talk to the bloke tonight. Besides, the lad was fit, so maybe he could satisfy his curiosity _and_ pull at the same time. 

The barmaid—Tina—greeted Ben as he approached the bar to sit on a stool next to the bloke. Tina was an older lesbian who already knew him as a regular, as they had talked several times before when he had felt like making conversation. 

"What can I get you?" she asked, her voice loud enough to be heard above the music. 

"I'll have a pint of lager, please" Ben replied. As he eyed the lad to his right he was pleased to find him checking him out, although he averted his gaze quickly when he was caught in the act. _Cute_ , Ben thought. "All right?" he greeted.

The man looked at him with sudden panic in his eyes. "Do I know you?" he asked, looking nervously at his surroundings.

"Not yet." Ben was amused by the reaction, but he was beginning to understand the attitude. He extended his hand to the other man. Too formal for him, but seeing the state the man was in, it would have to do for now. "Ben."

The man hesitated before shaking his hand. "Callum," he said, finally. Callum's trembling hand felt big and warm in his, and as he stared into his blue eyes he recognised the same warmth despite the cool colour. They kept their hands together for a little too long, until Callum suddenly removed his and the warmth was gone. He was a nervous wreck, gulping down what remained of his beer. 

The uneasiness, the trembling of the hands, the panic in the eyes. Ben painfully recognised all those signs because they were familiar, maybe too much so. He was seeing his younger self in Callum, the Ben who had just come out and was still a bundle of nerves trying to find his place in the world. That was years ago, and he had changed since then; he was now an out and proud gay man who delighted in making homophobes uncomfortable. It was their turn to be. In spite of being in a different place now, Ben felt sympathy for Callum, knowing from his own experience how hard these early moments can be.

"So," Ben began to say after drinking half of his pint, "I've seen you here before, mate. No offence, but if you're staring at your drink all night you ain't pulling anytime soon. No matter how fit you are," he added, raising an eyebrow.

To Ben's delight, a blush spread to Callum's cheeks and even started to reach his ears. He chuckled shyly, still looking at his empty glass, before looking back at Ben. "I know that, I just..." He shook his head. "I don't know what to do." Callum's big puppy eyes looked briefly at Ben's and then back at his own lap. "Sorry, I must sound pathetic to you" he whispered, clearly ashamed; Ben could barely hear him.

"Hey, it's okay. I've been there myself, you know?" Ben replied with a reassuring smile. "At least you intrigued a handsome bloke enough to get him to talk to you. Not everyone can say that."

Callum's smile showed his dimples and Ben wanted to reach out and touch his reddened cheeks—they would probably be warm under his touch. Instead, he reached for his beer and finished it, leaving the money in the counter afterwards. "Well, Callum, it was nice getting to know you. I better be off to the loo." With a meaningful look, Ben stood up from his seat and walked towards the toilet, hoping even a rookie like Callum would understand. A shame if he didn't, but in that case he would find someone else to spend his night with—Ben wanted this lad, but he wasn't going to wait all night for anyone.

He didn't seem to notice, but as he crossed the toilet doors Callum's eyes were burning holes in his back.

*

Fifteen minutes later, when Callum had finally mustered the courage to go to the toilet himself, he was expecting Ben to be waiting for him patiently against the wall, staring at the doors until he went through them. What a fool he had been. Instead, what he saw when he entered through those doors was Ben groping and snogging another man—surely someone experienced, unlike Callum. Flustered, he muttered a weak "sorry" and went into one of the stalls, immediately closing the door behind him and sitting down in the loo. The music wasn't that loud inside the toilet, and although he covered his burning ears with his hands he could still hear some stifled moans and the rustle of the men's clothes. He had been so stupid to think this bloke would wait for him, to think that he really wanted him that much. After all, he was only a 27-year-old closeted gay man with little to no experience who came to this gay bar once in a while as if sitting in a stool for a few hours before leaving was a step forward in accepting his sexuality. It wasn't, and by now he should have realised he was getting nowhere with this.

He was all alone in the stall now, but he couldn't run away from the noises he was hearing or from his body's reaction to them; to his shame, he felt all hot and bothered. He sighed, his hands still pressing hard against his ears. After a few minutes, the stifled moans started to sound like a laugh to Callum, and he slowly removed his hands to hear clearly, intrigued. Someone was definitely laughing, and he couldn't avoid the immediate thought that they were sniggering _at him_. The sad bloke who had taken so long to get a hint and go to the toilet that he had lost the first opportunity to finally get off with a man in months. Who wouldn’t laugh at someone like him?

Callum’s train of thoughts stopped when he heard steps and then the doors opening and closing. For a brief moment, he thought he was finally alone in the toilet, until he heard a now familiar voice calling for him.

“Callum?” Ben asked tentatively, a hint of laughter behind his voice. “You okay there?”

Slowly, Callum opened the stall door. In front of him was Ben, a smile tugging at his lips as he stared at his flustered, blushing face. “Wh-what?” Callum stammered from his seat, clinging to the loo as if the stall could protect him from the world outside. 

“The, uh... “ Ben started saying, stopping in the middle of the sentence when he couldn’t repress a laugh. “The other bloke who was here with me, he thought you were wanking off to us in there, like a creep. Totally freaked him out. Don’t know why he cared so much about that, told him I didn’t care that much meself, but the twat just left.”

Callum’s face was now completely pale, and he stuttered through his words as he finally got up from the toilet. “I swear I wasn’t doing nothing like that! I wouldn’t” he promised with his hands in front of him.

“Hey, mate, it’s okay! A rookie mistake. Not that you were subtle about it, but I get it. Two blokes getting it on, it’s hot…”

“I ain’t nothing like that!” 

“You ain’t what? Mate, you ain’t the Queen of England, you don’t have to be so prudish. No wonder you ain’t getting laid.” 

Ben’s words got Callum all riled up, and before he knew it he was pinning the shorter man against the wall. Ben’s eyes lit up, and Callum’s anger subsided as he realised how close their bodies were now. 

“If I knew you would get like this just from a bit of teasing I’d have done it sooner,” Ben muttered, staring at his lips. 

Callum felt a pang in his stomach as the smell of Ben’s aftershave hit him. Suddenly, he didn’t feel like waiting anymore. Callum closed the gap between his mouth and Ben’s, who was panting beneath him, heavy-lidded. The kiss was sloppy, but all of Callum’s worries vanished from his mind when he felt Ben’s hand rubbing him through his pants, forcing a moan out of him. Encouraged by the sounds they were making, Callum moved one of his hands under Ben’s shirt and began stroking his chest, while the other was already going for the other man’s belt. As he heard laughter outside the toilet, he was suddenly aware of the risk of being caught, and his eyes opened in panic.

“Shouldn’t we… take this somewhere else?” Callum dared to ask, separating from Ben’s lips for a moment.

A chuckle escaped the other man’s now swollen lips, but as he saw Callum’s serious expression Ben’s face changed. “Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “Yeah. Your place or mine?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to change the rating to E because of this chapter! You will notice it's longer than the previous one.

The early morning light filtered through the window, and Ben slowly opened his eyes to its warmth. He opened his mouth to yawn, but before he could make any noise he put a hand over it. Callum was still asleep next to him, and he didn’t want to disturb his peace. Even with his blue eyes closed, Callum looked beautiful like this, his tousled dark hair against the white pillow and his rosy cheeks making him look like an angel from some painting, resting his head on a cloud. Ben almost laughed at himself at the silly comparison that crossed his mind. He was supposed to be getting dressed already, to leave in silence, never to meet this bloke again. It was what he always did, on the rare occasion when he allowed himself to sleep in someone else’s bed instead of just getting off in a dark alley, a toilet or a cheap motel room. 

This was the rarest of the occasions, though. This time, Ben didn’t feel the urge to run away from the intimacy of the morning after. This time, he felt like he was part of a picture he didn’t want to ruin. Memories of happier times came back to him, and he was surprised to feel no bitterness about the way that life was snatched away from him, but rather a twinge of nostalgia that he welcomed. An idea popped into his mind; the thought that maybe, just maybe, he could let himself hope for something good to happen to him. For the first time in years, he decided to let himself have a moment of peace, letting those feelings comfort him. Maybe he really needed more sleep, or maybe it was something else that made him close his eyes again and rest his head in the pillow and fall asleep again. At that moment, he didn’t care. For once, he didn’t feel like he wanted to.

*

When Callum opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Ben asleep next to him. The memories of what had happened last night flooded his mind, blood rushing to his cheeks. Weirdly enough, even after what they had done last night, lying in bed next to Ben felt the most intimate. Outside of this bed they were strangers, each with his own, separate life. Outside of these four walls, Callum was a repressed gay man, stuck in the phase of accepting his reality to himself but not daring to go a step further and share it with the rest of the world. He didn’t know who Ben was outside of the brief part of their lives where their paths had crossed; he could be anyone. But inside Callum’s bed, they were two men who had shared something, the intimacy of a night together under the sheets. In this precise moment, they could be anything or nothing at the same time: no words exchanged, no clothes between them, only the sheets over their warm skin and a silence rich in possibilities.

Callum found himself desperately wishing the moment would last forever. It scared him to realise how much he wanted this to be a part of his life, how badly he needed waking up to someone else next to him. He had told himself he didn’t need it, that he could live without it, that just privately knowing he was gay and getting jerked off by a stranger once in a while was enough. But it wasn’t. Before he could continue imagining what he was missing, he silently got up and headed to the shower, hoping the water would clean his thoughts away. Instead, his mind kept wandering. Maybe when he went back to his room his bed would be empty, and he would be all alone with his thoughts again, he reasoned. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Ben to be gone or not, but when he finally opened the door to his room and saw him still lying in his bed, his lips curled into a smile and he had all the answers he needed. Ben looked half asleep, stretching his arms and yawning like a cat.

“Morning,” Callum said, resting his head against the doorframe. He was scared of entering the room again just like that—he didn’t want to look too needy to the man he had just met the night before, but he felt so starved of intimacy he was afraid he would do something to scare him off. “Fancy a cuppa?” he added. Callum’s arms were crossed, but he was mindlessly caressing his elbow with his thumb.

“Morning,” replied Ben, before yawning for the last time. Before giving Callum an answer, he allowed himself some seconds to check him out. Callum’s hair was wet, and he was wearing a pale pink dressing gown over his t-shirt and boxers. “You had a shower already? And here I was thinking you might join me...” Ben got up and joined Callum at the entrance of the room, a small smile in his lips. With a softer voice, he added “I’ll go grab a shower if you tell me where your bathroom is, and if you put the kettle on I’ll take that cuppa afterwards, thank you.” 

Ben was only wearing his boxers, and Callum felt himself begin to shiver as they were so close to each other again. He wanted to touch him again and again, and the intensity of the feeling overwhelmed him. “It’s just over there,” he said pointing down the hallway, his voice breaking—in spite of his efforts to hide how he felt, his body continued to betray him.

“Hey,” Ben began to say, his hand reaching to cup Callum’s face. He caressed his cheek with his thumb. The other man instantly leaned into his touch without breaking eye contact. “It’s okay. I’m not gonna bite you unless you want me to.” That comment made Callum laugh, and he felt himself relax under Ben’s touch. “I’ll be back, yeah? Put that kettle on,” he said with a wink before heading for the bathroom. 

The sudden absence of Ben’s body near his made Callum come back to his senses, and he headed to the kitchen immediately. He focused on putting the electric kettle on and looking for his tea bags, the familiarity of the ritual helping him relax. At least this he knew how to do. 

Eventually, he heard Ben coming out of the shower. “Milk? Sugar?” Callum asked as he prepared the mugs, without turning his head to the corridor. 

“Yes to both, thank you!” he heard Ben reply from his bedroom, where he had headed from after the shower. 

Callum took both mugs and carried them to the room, finding Ben only wearing a towel around his waist. He tried to stay calm, sat down next to him and gave him one of the mugs. “Thanks,” said Ben with a smile.

They drank their tea in silence for a moment, enjoying its warmth in the early morning.

“How did I do?” Callum asked tentatively, looking at his mug.

“It’s a great cuppa, just how I like it, really.”

Callum shook his head. “I meant last night.”

“Oh,” Ben replied, pretending he had just realised what he meant. “I thought we had a nice time. I could tell you didn’t have much experience, but you were  _ very  _ enthusiastic, that much I can tell you.”

Callum was blushing again. “Yeah, sorry, that was a stupid question. Forget it,” he said before Ben could continue. He took another sip.

“No, it wasn’t! I get it. And you know what they say?” he asked, waiting for Callum to look at him instead of staring shyly at the mug. After a few seconds, he did. “Practice makes perfect.”

Ben’s hand moved to Callum’s thigh, and that was all the older man needed to leave his mug on his bedside table before leaning over to kiss Ben. He was shivering again, but this time he didn’t feel self-conscious about it. Ben managed to leave his mug in the table too before wrapping his arm around Callum’s neck, getting closer to him. Without any alcohol, Callum’s mind was clear and he felt overwhelmed, worried he wouldn’t know how to handle the intensity of his want. He caressed Ben’s chest with his hands, some drops of water still there. Their kisses deepened, and Callum moaned when Ben tugged lightly at his hair to angle his head better. As his hands reached Ben’s waist, he pulled to bring him even closer, and Ben moved to straddle his lap, both of his arms around Callum’s neck now.

“You smell like my shower gel,” Callum whispered as he trailed kisses down Ben’s neck, his nose brushing against his stubble.

“Is that hot for you?” Ben asked, voice hoarse with desire. “Your smell on me?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Ben rocked against Callum’s crotch, eliciting a whine from the other man. “Get rid of this, will you?” he asked, pulling at the dressing gown.

Ben moved to lie down in his bed while Callum took off his gown, as well as his shirt. He was only down to his boxers, and as he moved to lie down next to Ben he saw him looking him up and down and stopping to stare at his crotch. Lust was pooling in his stomach, and for a moment, he rested his forehead against Ben’s, scared of his own heart rate.

“What are you thinking about?” Ben asked, his hand roaming Callum’s arm.

Callum opened his eyes to look at Ben’s, pupils dilated with desire. He looked down for a moment, to Ben’s chest and further down, to the tempting shape under his towel. He looked back at Ben’s face, and from the warmth he felt in his cheeks he could imagine how much he was flushing. But Ben’s gaze and the way he was touching his arm encouraged him, and he didn’t avert his gaze as he opened his mouth to speak. “Sucking you off,” he replied, truthfully. 

At this, Ben hummed appreciatively and bit his lip, eyes still on Callum’s. “Didn’t know you had it in you. Come ‘ere.” His hand slid from Callum’s arm to his back, pulling him on top of himself. As they brought their mouths together again, Callum struggled to keep his hands focused on one thing, touching every part of Ben he could reach until he brushed his fingers against the towel wrapped around his waist. His hands stayed there, his nerves getting the best of him.

Ben stared at Callum’s reddened lips. “Let me help you with that.” He slid his hands between their bodies, brushing against Callum’s skin in the process, until he joined his hands at his waist and finally grabbed the towel. Ben had to lift his hips to remove the towel, and as he did so he felt Callum hard against his stomach. He groaned and kissed him again, capturing his bottom lip and biting it. Callum rocked against his hip, and for a moment the whole world was nothing more than a distant memory, every fiber of his being concentrated on the feeling of Ben’s body under him.

“Hey,” Ben whispered when he separated from Callum’s mouth. He brought a thumb to the bottom lip he had bitten previously, caressing it. “Thought you said you were gonna put this mouth to a better use. You don’t have to do it if you don’t really want to, but you put that thought into my head…”

Callum’s tongue brushed against Ben’s thumb. “No, I want to. It’s just that…” he hesitated. “I’m not very experienced with it, as you said before. Only done it once or twice. But I really want to with you.” As if to prove his words, he let Ben’s thumb in his mouth and lightly sucked it. 

Ben was breathing heavily under him. “Come on then. Where are your condoms?”

Callum stopped trailing kisses down Ben’s chest to look at him. “I wasn’t- Do we need one?” 

“Oh. No, I’m safe if you are. Just assumed you wanted one,” he said, staring at Callum. “You sure know what you want.”

Callum felt his face burn beneath Ben’s gaze. Without making more eye contact, he continued his trail of kisses, occasionally lapping at Ben’s skin. As he moved closer to his groin, Ben opened his legs more to give him some space between them. When Ben felt Callum’s breath on his crotch, he propped himself up on his elbows to look at him. He saw him holding on to the inside of his thighs before taking the head in his mouth. Ben watched as Callum sucked and licked temptatively, never attempting to take his whole length in but rather using his hands to get where his mouth couldn’t reach. After his cock had slipped from Callum’s mouth twice, Ben moved his hand to the back of the man’s hair, trying to steady and guide him. He remembered he had liked it before, so he tugged lightly at his hair; he felt Callum’s moan on his skin and his breathing intensified. Callum was sloppy, but he was clearly enjoying himself and trying to be good for him; feeling wanted like this, Ben thought to himself, was incredibly hot. Thanks to Ben’s guidance, Callum managed to find a proper rhythm with both his mouth and his hand.

“Stop, stop” Ben warned, pulling a bit too hard at Callum’s hair. His confused stare at Ben, with glossy eyes and a wet mouth, was almost too much for him. “Come ‘ere.”

Callum was breathing heavily as he moved to sit between Ben’s legs. The shorter man kissed him hungrily when they were close again. “Why did you make me stop?”

“Didn’t want to come in your mouth without a warning. I can be such a gentleman sometimes, you see.” 

Callum was about to complain, but when Ben gripped his cock under his boxers his breath hitched and he forgot what he was going to say. He propped himself up on his knees quickly to yank his underwear off, and while he did so he delighted in the sight of Ben jerking himself off as he watched him. Callum sat down again with Ben when his boxers were discarded on the bed, and they joined their hands around themselves, frantically jerking each other off while they rested their foreheads together. Ben was the first to come, spilling all over their hands and his own chest. The sight and the other man’s moans finally brought Callum to the edge, closing his eyes to see white as his orgasm hit him.

Exhausted, Callum lay in his bed for some minutes, his mind completely blank. He came back to his senses when he felt Ben gently cleaning him with the discarded towel. Afterwards, he looked at Ben as he cleaned himself.

“Thanks,” he said to Ben as he lay down next to him.

“Nah, thank  _ you  _ for a good time. In fact…” Ben got up to look for something on the floor, and when he went back to bed he had his phone in hand. “Let’s exchange numbers, yeah?”

Callum quickly retrieved his phone from his bedside table. Ben smiled, knowing Callum was interested in having his number, too. They wrote their numbers on each other’s phones, and Callum noticed Ben’s lockscreen; it was a picture of Ben with a little blonde girl.

“That your sister?” he asked.

Ben smiled fondly at the picture. “My daughter, Lexi”

Callum’s eyebrows jumped up. “Oh! That is… How old is she? You look very young to be a father. Sorry for assuming.”

“It’s okay, I know. I had her when I was trying to prove to the world that I was straight. Didn’t work, obviously,” he remarked while caressing Callum’s chest. “But she’s the most precious thing in the world for me.”

This new side of Ben intrigued Callum, and he was beginning to realise that he wanted to know him outside of the bedroom, too. The way he talked about his daughter made him think he must be a good father, even if he was young. “She seems lovely.”

“She is.” Ben smiled. Suddenly, he squinted his eyes at Callum. “Do you actually like kids? You don’t have to pretend you do if you don’t, I hate when blokes say that to me just because I have a daughter.”

Callum shook his head. “No, I mean it.” He breathed deeply for a moment. It was hard for him to talk about the parts of his life he was ashamed of, but he wanted to share something with Ben. “I used to… date this girl. We talked about marriage even. The only part of it that made it bearable for me was the idea of having kids. I really wanted to have them.”

Ben nodded, but Callum’s gaze was focused on his own hands. He took one of them in his. “You see, I was that person once too. Nothing to be ashamed of, having a past. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a future too, you know?” Ben’s words, drawing from the first thoughts he had in the morning, were directed at Callum, but as he heard them they also resonated with him.

Callum pondered the words, finally smiling as he felt Ben squeeze the hand he was holding. “Yeah, thank you. I needed to hear that.”

Ben let go of his hand and started to pick up his clothes from last night. Callum knew the moment was over, and he tried to ignore the heavy weight that was settling on his chest. He picked up his clothes too, and when he was dressed he joined Ben at the entrance door.

“Well, see ya,” Ben said nonchalantly before giving Callum a peck on the lips.

“Yeah, see you later.” Callum opened the door and watched Ben as he left the building, until he couldn’t see him anymore. He closed his door and went back to his room, finding the two discarded mugs on his bedside table, half full of now cold tea. He silently picked them up, as well as his clothes from the day before, as well as the towel. Finally, he made the bed, and sat down on it, staring at his phone. 

As soon as he had nothing left to do, Callum was overcome by the feeling that he wanted to see Ben again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making you wait, I hope you like this chapter!

The world around Callum didn’t seem to change after that morning, so he pretended he didn’t either. He wouldn’t usually work on a Saturday, but his boss had asked him to cover for him for a few hours. The job paid well, but to most people it sounded morbid—he worked at a funeral parlour. He was good at it, or at least that’s what his boss said. It wasn’t hard for him to talk to old people and comfort them when they needed it, which was what his job usually consisted of. Callum understood the grief that came with losing someone you’re close to, and he was always sensitive when it came to uplifting people in such a delicate situation. For him, the atmosphere of the place never felt wrong; he wouldn’t tell anyone, but he often thought he fit the place perfectly. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt more alive than the bodies they put in coffins. 

Strangely enough, today was different. He felt giddy, an unusual energy flowing through his body. Callum always looked happy to others, which was certainly helpful for his job, but the happiness of his face didn’t spread through him as it should. Today, something inside him felt warm. The warmth wasn’t new to him, but the places it reached felt new. Or rather, he noticed they had been cold for the longest time. He didn’t want to let go of the feeling. He was scared the warmth would go out like a match, and that he wouldn’t know how to light it again.

Life had to go on as normal, he kept telling himself. Wearing his black suit, Callum tried to concentrate on his work for now. It was harder than usual. After the second client of the day had left, Callum took his phone from his pocket and typed a message to Ben, modifying it several times before finally pressing the send button.

_ Bored to death at work! _

He laughed at his own silly joke and waited for the reply. There were still thirty minutes to go before he could close the parlour, and he was hoping no one else would come in. In a few minutes, Callum's phone buzzed with a message notification. 

_ where are you? can pick you up if you want x _

A smile appeared on Callum's face as he read Ben’s message, and he promptly typed a thank you and sent his location. He was still smiling at his phone when another client entered. Callum adjusted his tie.

“Mr. Barnes, please, take a seat! I thought you were coming sooner today?” Callum asked, the smile still lingering on his face.

The man sat down with difficulty, his cane still in his hands. He was well into his eighties, and he had to visit the parlour alone because his wife was unable to leave her bed due to her old age. Mr. Barnes, knowing that she didn’t have much time left, had been visiting lately to make the necessary arrangements. It broke Callum’s heart to see that he had to go alone when he could barely walk, but he also admired the man’s resolve. He couldn’t imagine being his age and having such determination every day.

Mr. Barnes checked his watch and his eyes widened. “Blimey, where did my time go? I’m terribly sorry, I can come back tomorrow if it’s too late.”

“Please, Mr. Barnes, don’t get up. It’s not too late, don’t worry.”

Callum couldn’t make the man’s trip to the parlour useless. He stayed with him for a bit longer than thirty minutes, helping the man make his last arrangements. Since he was his last client, he helped him get to the door before closing it, worried that he may fall even with his cane helping him to walk. As he was in the street waving his goodbye to Mr. Barnes, a familiar figure approached him.

“Already on a date with someone else? Didn’t think you were the type to go for older blokes.”

Callum looked at Mr. Barnes’s back and chuckled. He shook his head as he looked back at Ben, who was grinning. “Cheeky. He was the last client for the day. Sorry I made you wait.”

“Nah, it’s okay. You might have to pay me back later though,” Ben said as he winked.

“Oi!” A blush spread across Callum’s cheeks.

Ben looked Callum up and down and breathed in. “Sorry if I’m being too forward for your taste, but you look sexy in a suit.” He leaned forward to kiss Callum, but the taller man stepped back and put a hand in Ben’s chest. 

“Not here,” Callum said. His heart was racing. He looked to his surroundings and saw some people crossing the street. They weren’t looking at them, but they  _ could  _ be.

Confusion was visible in Ben’s eyes for a second. “Okay. Fine.” Ben’s gaze lingered on Callum’s lips before sighing and looking away, a small smile on his lips. He stepped back too, Callum’s hand not touching him anymore. He stared at the building in front of him. “So, a funeral parlour, then. Bet it’s as boring as it sounds.”

“Yeah, it’s not the best job in the world but it pays well.” 

Ben tilted his head to the side. “Right. Come on then, let’s go somewhere else. Don’t really wanna think about death right now.”

Both men started walking on the pavement, Ben leading the way. Callum mindlessly followed him in silence, his nervousness getting the best of him. He was worried he had ruined the moment by rejecting Ben’s kiss, but he really didn’t feel ready to do that in front of other people, as much as he had wanted to. And god, he had wanted to. 

A few minutes later, Callum finally dared to speak, restless hands by his sides. “So where are we going?”

Ben shrugged. “Somewhere a bit more private. Where we can be more comfortable, that’s all.”

Callum nodded, feeling a twinge of excitement. He noticed they were approaching a park, and as they went through the gates he saw it wasn’t crowded at all. As he stopped to smile at a squirrel who was looking at him from a bench Ben wandered from the path they were following. As soon as he noticed, Callum quickly followed him. Ben had approached a refreshment stall and was buying two ice lollies, one pink and one yellow, and when Callum joined him he was handed the pink one. Ben continued to lead the way, gesturing Callum to sit down when he found a spot that he liked. Away from any benches or deck chairs, amongst some trees that grew close to each other, they were safe from any prying eyes. It certainly felt safe enough for Callum, who sat down next to Ben to happily lick his ice lolly.

“Strawberry, I like it,” Callum said. “It’s pretty sweet.”

“Is it? This one is lemon flavoured, it’s quite sour.” He looked at Callum. “Can I get a taste?”

“Sure,” Callum said, handing Ben his lolly.

Instead of taking the lolly from him, Callum noticed the other man was staring at his mouth. He wasn’t quick enough to realise what the other man was planning to do. Ben leaned forward and kissed him then, slowly at first to see how Callum would take it, and when the other man kissed him back he pushed his tongue inside, tasting the flavour and mixing it with his own. One of Ben’s hands came to rest on Callum’s jaw, the thumb caressing his cheek.

“Yeah,” Ben said as he pulled back. “It’s really sweet.”

Callum breathed in deeply as he stared at Ben, who carried on licking what remained of his ice lolly. He could see him giggling as he looked at his shocked, flushed face; he was beautiful. Callum wondered what he had done to deserve being here, with Ben, just enjoying himself. He reckoned the other man wouldn’t normally do this with all his hookups, or at least he hoped so. A silly thought, but he hoped so.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked. He was so enthralled by the sight of the man beside him that he had forgotten about the ice lolly he held in his hand, and only noticed now that it was beginning to melt in his hand. 

“Doing what?” Ben asked back, watching Callum lick the stickiness from his hands.

“Everything. Bringing me here. Helping me through… this.” He gestured vaguely with his free hand, the other one still holding the lolly. He brought it to his mouth as soon as he finished speaking, trying not to make too much of a mess of his hands and, most importantly, his suit.

“I’ve been there myself, I told you. I know it ain’t easy, and I just wanna help.” Ben rummaged in his pockets for a moment until he found a tissue. “Here,” he said as he handed it to Callum.

“Thanks.” Callum started cleaning his hands, frowning as he noticed a stain on his sleeve. “Fuck’s sake, my suit!”

“It was probably already ruined by grass stains anyway.”

Callum shook his head. He was embarrassing himself when he was supposed to be having fun. He stood up, trying to shake off any dirt from his pants. He scoffed in frustration as he struggled to check his behind looking for stains. Ben started laughing. 

“What’s so funny?”

“You are!” Callum looked hurt by the words, so Ben tried to control his laughter. “I’m sorry, but you’re getting so worked up over nothing. You can’t see your face, but it’s very funny.” He stood up and held Callum’s face between his hands, cold on top of the burning skin. “It’s cute though. You face is so, so pink.”

Callum relaxed under Ben’s touch, chuckling lightly. “It’s a shame though. Thought you liked the suit, and now it’s a mess.”

“I like a mess. And just so you know, I like you without the suit too.” He slid his arms under Callum’s jacket until he was holding him by the waist. They were so close now their noses were brushing against each other.

Callum’s voice was soft, almost a murmur. “Yeah, I figured that much.”

They smiled and looked into each other’s eyes, the silence of the park surrounding them as if time had stopped. Ben looked at Callum’s lips then, and the taller man leaned down to meet his. This time, the kiss was slow and tender, and Callum let one of his hands caress Ben’s nape. It was getting dark already, and Callum felt safe in Ben’s arms and under the protection of the tree. If he could really freeze time, Callum thought, he would do it now. Only him and Ben, their bodies so close they could be one, their senses focused on each other. He could live in a world like that.

But time didn’t stop. Ben pulled away, still so close to Callum that he could see his flushed face, and follow the path of his eyelashes barely brushing his cheek as his gaze traveled from his lips to Callum’s eyes. Without any thinking, his hand still on Ben’s nape, he leaned forward one last time to kiss him on the cheek. When he looked at Ben again, he saw a small smile on the man’s face; he looked so soft all of a sudden. He really was gorgeous. Ben gave Callum a peck before pulling away completely, and as Callum lowered his hand he took it. The taller man stumbled, but held onto the trunk and didn’t fall.

“Already weak on the knees? Come sit down again, softie,” Ben said as he sat down, his back resting on the trunk of the tree. “Another stain don’t matter at this point.”

Callum chuckled and sat down next to him. He didn’t let go of his hand.

“So, is there anything good about that job apart from you looking fit in that suit?” 

“As I said, it pays well. It doesn’t have to be good, it’s just a job.”

“Yeah, but it isn’t the same to be, I don’t know, tending bar than working with dead people. Although some of them drunk geezers act like proper zombies if you ask me.”

“Nah, it’s not that bad. I don’t mind. I’ve been pretty close to death before, but…” Ben raised his eyebrows. Callum sighed; he didn’t really like talking about himself. “I was in the army. Seeing people lying peacefully in a coffin ain’t really that scary compared to some of the stuff I’ve seen.”

Callum had been staring at the fabric of his pants while he told his story, but when he noticed Ben was silent he looked back at him. He thought he might find what he said sad or shocking, but what he found instead was Ben biting his bottom lip and staring at him with a strange shine in the eye.

“What?” Callum asked.

“Just imagining you in an army uniform,” Ben replied, licking the lip he had been biting.

“Are you serious?” Callum wanted to be angry, but he just let out an incredulous laugh. “You are so messed up! I was talking about death and the horrors of war!”

“Okay, I might be messed up, but you can’t blame me, can you? You don’t think uniforms are hot?” Callum shook his head. “Come on, I’m sure you fancied some of them hot blokes in the army, eh?”

It was then that Callum finally let go of Ben’s hand, the feeling of its absence making him regret his movement instantly, but he was reluctant to touch him again just then. He rubbed his hand on his knee instead, a rough feeling to replace Ben’s skin. He looked at his hand against the fabric. It wasn’t the same. “Leave it!” Callum snapped. As soon as he spoke he realised he had been harsher than he had intended to be. He softened his voice then. “I just… It ain’t funny and I don’t wanna talk about it, is all. Sorry.”

Ben looked at him then, and Callum felt more exposed than he had ever felt before under his gaze. More vulnerable than he had felt in years. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben said, and it was clear from his tone that he meant it. He rested his head against the trunk, his eyes fixed on Callum still. “I must’ve touched a nerve there, I didn’t mean to. My fault for making everything into a joke. S’alright if you don’t wanna talk about it, we barely know each other.”

“But I want to! Know you, I mean. I do. And I feel like you know a lot about me already, and it scares me. It scares me because we only met yesterday, and I don’t…”

Ben’s expression was inscrutable.

“I get that. Believe me, I’ve told you more about myself than I usually do to the blokes I shag. I only tell them my name so they have something to whisper in my ear while we’re at it.”

In spite of his nervousness, that made Callum laugh. 

“It’s good to get to know you though. I like this.”

“More than the shagging?”

Callum blushed again, staring at his hands. “I can like both, can’t I?”

Ben shook his head, a smile on his face. “God, you’re  _ so… _ ”

He didn’t finish his sentence, but instead he got even closer to Callum, his head resting on his shoulder and his pleading eyes staring at the taller man’s face. Callum smiled fondly at him before tilting his chin up one his hand. He stared into his eyes for a moment before leaning down to kiss him again. 

At first, Callum had been so nervous with Ben, aware of his own inexperience. He wouldn’t stop thinking he would do something wrong, that he would be so bad at everything the other man would leave. He had been terrified of ruining everything. But Ben had been so sweet and encouraging from the beginning, a soft side to him beneath all the teasing, that Callum was starting to feel a bit confident in private moments like this.

Ben’s lips parted beneath his, letting Callum guide him with his hand still on his face. As he deepened the kiss, Callum felt Ben’s hand on his thigh, and he had to restrain himself from moaning into his mouth. They kissed again and again, Ben’s noises under Callum encouraging him to continue, their hands caressing their bodies with no rush.

A sudden noise startled Callum, his eyes opening in shock as his hands left Ben’s body. Breathing heavily, he looked at his surroundings. It was getting dark, darker than he had realised before, but he couldn’t see anyone anywhere. He heard another noise and this time he managed to turn his head in its direction. 

It was a crow. The bird was staring at him from one of the trees, enjoying whatever insect he had captured for dinner. It almost felt like it was laughing at him for forgetting that the world was bigger than him and Ben, and that it still scared him.

“Well, I think we’ve overstayed our welcome.”

Callum looked back at Ben, who was still resting against the tree. He was smiling softly at him, but for a moment there was a sadness in his eyes that Callum hadn’t noticed before.

“I’m sorry, I…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Ben assured him as he got up. “It’s getting late to be here anyway. We could go to your place if you want. Or to mine, but I don’t know if you want to meet my daughter and her mum right now.”

“Nah, nah.” Callum giggled. “Awkward.”

He stood up too, and as Ben started walking Callum tried to straighten his clothes a bit with his hands. He felt his phone in his pocket, and he quickly grabbed it as he realised he had forgotten about it for the last few hours. He swore under his breath and checked all the notifications in his screen; he had five unread messages and two missed calls.

“Everything all right?” he heard Ben ask. He had stopped when he had noticed Callum wasn’t following him.

“Yeah, it’s just… I forgot I was supposed to go for a pint with a mate today and it’s too late now. I have to call him.”

“Oh. You can go meet him then, sorry, I just assumed…”

“No!” Callum said, too quickly. “I can cancel it, it would be mean to make him wait more than he already has. Just give me a minute.”

Callum walked next to Ben as he called Mick’s number, hoping his mate would pick it up fast. He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears.

“Mick!”

“Halfway, I thought something had happened to you!” he heard Mick ask on the other end of the line. 

“Sorry, mate, I ain’t right in the head today. I was with someone else and I completely forgot about what we said. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“S’alright, Halfway, it’s not like you ain’t done any favours for me before. You’ve earned your forgiveness. Besides, we are meeting tomorrow anyway.” 

“Yeah, it’s Linda’s birthday party, innit? Wouldn’t want to miss that for the world.”

“That’s right. And hey, I don’t know who you’re with, but I hope they are worth missing some pints with me. Is it some bloke you met? Because you know I can’t possibly compete with that.”

Callum giggled nervously as he eyed Ben, who was still walking beside him. “Yeah, it is. We’ll talk tomorrow, yeah?”

“You’re telling me all about this bloke tomorrow though, eh? And spare me no details. Well, maybe do spare me the details.”

Callum blushed at the thought of telling someone anything about Ben. He wasn’t used to talking about men to anyone, not even his close friends. “I ain’t promising to tell you nothing, Mick. See you tomorrow!”

Ben was eyeing Callum curiously when he hung up the phone.

“So, everything all right then?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m meeting him tomorrow anyway so he ain’t angry at me, not really.”

“Good! Wouldn’t want you to lose a friend over a hookup.”

Callum nodded absentmindedly. A hookup. That was what they were, wasn’t it? It was all they were, they had only met yesterday. Callum knew this, and yet the word felt wrong in his ears. He didn’t want to think about it, scared of his own feelings. It was too much, too soon. Too new for him, and the parts that weren’t were a painful reminder of the old, an open wound in his insides that he didn’t know how to heal.

He kept walking beside Ben, and after they decided to take the tube, he remained silent for a while. All he could think about was how much he wanted to hold Ben’s hand, to break the distance between them, the one he knew was only there because of him. As they approached the station, the idea kept roaming in his mind, but there were more and more people surrounding them. He couldn’t do it.

“Lucky us! Or at least one of us” Ben exclaimed as they caught the train and only found one free seat. 

Callum smiled at Ben as he gestured for him to sit down.

“Such a gentleman,” Ben said with a smirk as he accepted the offer.

“You could say so.”

Callum’s hand grabbed the pole next to Ben’s seat, his feelings getting the best of him again in spite of his attempts to think about something else. They would be alone again in a few moments, and he couldn’t help but think of the difference between the way he acted in private and the way he did in public, when he couldn’t even allow himself to touch him, to kiss him, to do anything that he wanted to do. He saw some couples sitting next to each other, holding hands, resting their heads together. He wanted that to be part of his life too, but he couldn’t see himself doing those things with a bloke in front of others. He just couldn’t, and he hated himself for it.

Tears were almost spilling from his eyes, years of practice barely keeping them from doing so. He felt something in his hand then. It was Ben’s, which had grabbed the same pole. Callum looked at the younger man’s face and saw the same sadness he had noticed before, but there was something else there as well. There was a certain tenderness to his gaze, one that he knew Ben had, but that felt weirdly intimate, as if it was a part of him that he kept from the world. He was glad he let him see it. It made him feel special.

Callum felt Ben’s fingers barely caressing his hand, and his chest felt heavy with affection. The world seemed to contain nothing but him, Ben, and the pole they were both holding on to. They grinned at each other fondly, and Callum realised his eyes weren’t teary with sadness anymore. He didn’t care what they were calling what they had, not as long as he had moments that made him feel like this. 


End file.
